By Sue Kaszynski
Ok here goes. I am going to qualify this. I have never hidden the fact that I have a very strong belief and faith in God. But I also have tried very hard not to shove my belief system down anyone’s throat. I hope just living my life to the best of my ability is enough to inspire others. So
take this or leave it. Just know these stories I am about to share are the absolute truth. They seem crazy and made up but they are not. I would never bull crap my sisters and I definitely would not disrespect my Lord by making up what I am about to tell you. But these events are what has cemented my relationship with God and how I manage to have the outlook I have today.
I have always had what my family called a sixth sense. I “knew” things before they happened. At first it freaked them out but as time went on they came to terms with it as I was never wrong.
Well one night ( I was about 12) I sat up in bed and started screaming. I woke up my parents and my sister. I never actually woke up. I just laid back down and rolled over. A little before 7 that morning I sat up in bed again have awake half asleep yelling “Larry Larry he’s dead” ( Larry
was my cousin and the oldest of my generation. ) I loved him because he would get into debates with me and challenge me. He had a genius IQ and was working on his PhD in English. Just as I woke up yelling the phone rang and it was my uncle stating that Larry had been killed
in a car accident. It turned out he died at the time I had woken up screaming. I became very angry with God. I told God that of all the people why did he take someone who had so much to offer. I had told Him that if that was the kind of God He was I wanted nothing to do with Him.
That is when Larry came to me. He said he had permission because he couldn’t rest knowing he was the cause of me turning away from God. I won’t go into the whole conversation but it was significant enough that I knew God was real. The next day when I told my mom she insisted
I dreamed it. I insisted I hadn’t. I told her everything Larry was wearing, and when she checked with my uncle it was everything I had described down to his initialed belt buckle.
Later in life I became angry again. ( yes I have been a very angry person during my lifetime). There was just so much going on in my life and in the world at the time and I didn’t understand it. I was driving down the road and turned the radio down and had a conversation with Him. I spilled out everything. I went on to tell him that I knew even though I had a genius IQ that if He were to come down and explained His grand plan to me I still wouldn’t understand it. But from my frail human stance His grand planned sucked big time and if He was trying to tell me something I was missing it. That He would have to hit me up beside the head with a 2×4 ( be careful what you ask for because He has done so on several occasions since then lol). Just then something prompted me to turn up the radio and the first line I heard was “why do you doubt me whenever I am out of sight”. I pulled over. I was shaking and crying. I realized then
that I didn’t get to pick and choose. If I were to believe then that meant having Faith even if I didn’t understand. Now don’t get me wrong I still get angry. I still don’t understand why things happen. But I don’t believe God doesn’t want us to get mad. Just get mad at situations. Not Him. He doesn’t create horrible things. He tries to use horrible things to have some good or meaning come out of it. Could He create miracles and cure cancer and all these other diseases? Of course. But we learn by adversity. We grow and develop. And growing hurts. ( that is why they are called growing pains).
Another time was shortly after I started getting my long list of diagnostic disorders. I was at home after discovering I had at least a couple of autoimmune disorders when I developed a pulmonary embolism. I asked God tongue in cheek if He wanted to put a plague of locusts down on me while He was at it. At that moment He put His hand on my heart and told me there was a reason and a purpose I was going through all this. I developed such a sense of peace and calm and it has never left me.
I was never ever one to talk about my Faith. I went strictly by the rule living by example and that was it. I was never comfortable talking about God. After He put His hand on my heart He started pushing me to be more vocal. ( and yes He has used a 2×4 on more than one occasion lol) but without fail I would get feedback that someone had been struggling and my talking about my Faith in God was just what they needed to hear at that moment.
So this is why my Faith is so strong. He has demonstrated to me on so many occasions ( I just named a few here) that He is here, He is real, and that He listens. He also talks to us if we stop and listen.
But again if you don’t believe, I will respect that. I may not understand it any more than you probably don’t understand why I do, but I respect your right not to.
God is why I am the way I am. I hope to continue to grow and learn and become better than I am today.
Sue is a licensed therapist. Marine Veteran and Freelance writer for this blog. She has Dysautonomia, Ehlers and a number of other autoimmune disorders. She writes about her life, her struggles and most of all her fight to stay positive and never give up. She gives of her time freely despite various health issues to help veterans and anyone in need. This is her 7th blog.